Apparently, my writing flow is any time of day or night, and what wants to be said often makes itself known in the wee hours of the morning. I haven’t decided how I feel about that, yet. HA!
It’s 2:30 am and I’m feeling pressure.
Not from anything specific, mind you. No, this is that low-grade anxiousness that hovers in the background of life.
Of course, I can point to things to justify the pressure – these writings and what I’ve committed to are the easiest to start with, but that is not true.
I’m loving this sharing and writing challenge for myself and I’m getting good feedback that people are
resonating with it.
Or, I can point to my daughter having some classic, middle-school unkind experiences with ‘friends’ and taming my Mama Bear rage so I can actually be effective and solution-oriented rather than showing these kids what fear really is.
But that’s not it, either.
I am really good at that pivot and I have learned so much about how to empower myself, my daughter, and others that it’s a quick process, now. I go high when they go low (thanks, Michelle Obama), not because I’m better or above them, but because I LIKE MYSELF when I see the best in people.
I had lots of ‘stuff’ today, so maybe I point to a moment with my husband while writing about parenting (that piece will be out sometime this week but it got paused by this) as I asked him if I was representing him in an acceptable manner – I was and then he had opinions… he wanted to share his perspective on our parenting styles and philosophies – hahaha – a reminder to self, be VERRRY clear on your ask if you ask for feedback!
And still, this is not the cause of that background anxiety or pressure.
I definitely had some big feelings about my husband’s opinion and had the 5 minutes alone in my car while picking up my daughter from school (yes, to hear her day had not gone well) to express those big feelings – this is how my angry tirade went; “If you want your perspective on parenting known, YOU write it – I’m writing MY perspective and I won’t be adding a thousand words to ensure your perspective is also written in there” … blah, blah, blah. I breathed. I felt my hands on the steering wheel. I allowed the feelings of victimization to be there and release through me.
That angry reaction was not ME, it was Eggo. She is always threatened.
As I fell asleep, all of my daily experiences felt complete. I held no resentments or fear. I was satisfied with my output and with my badass ability to OWN my lane. To be responsible for my energy, my emotions, and my actions. It was a good day.
So why am I feeling pressure when I awake at 2:30?
I have only one thing I can truly point to because I have not mastered this, yet, and it’s a REALLY big concept so it may be a while before I get it.
Eckhart Tolle calls it ‘psychological time’ and I’m reading The Power of Now for a third time, at the moment.
He explains his theory of psychological time as being trapped between the past and future, vacillating back and forth between regret (past) and anxiety (future). That time is an illusion, a construct of our humanity that does not translate to our spiritual selves at the soul level.
He suggests that the quality of our consciousness — our ability to access the present moment of Now is how we get out of that seesawing. That time itself is not the problem, it is in identifying with time (I am my past stories and experiences, or I am/will be my imagined future) that we lose our consciousness of our observer selves.
This is a concept that I feel, deeply, to be true. This is where I go when I breathe to bring me back home to myself. This is where I am when I am my feet on the ground or my hands on the steering wheel.
In my Now, I do not feel fear, regret, worry, or even anticipation. I just am. It’s a beautiful space.
And it’s fleeting, for now. I still live in time with occasional visits to Now, though I am getting better – *sigh*!
Like all things with this human, biological body and brain, it takes practice and conditioning.
So when I woke this morning and felt that background pressure – I was identifying with my psychological time and fearing I would run out of it; ‘not enough time to write what I needed to say, not enough time to get adequate sleep if I’m up writing for an hour or two every night, not enough time to spend parenting my kids before they’re grown, not enough time to share this life journey with my husband’… I (Eggo, really) was totally and completely identifying with regret and anxiety, past and future.
Even now, as I complete this writing, I am aware that I did try to breathe, tried to feel the sheets on my legs, the pillow beneath my head, but Eggo had the wheel and she is very well conditioned at this time dance — she was in charge before I had gained full consciousness from sleeping.
The deeper part of me, the soul me, is what is guiding my writing and this adventure so She is who wakes me in the night to write. I am trusting that guidance and that deeper part of me, and Eggo is in opposition to it, often.
I sympathize with Eggo, really. When I am present in that NOW moment, she does not exist. There are no problems for her to solve or create levels of complexity around. Of course, she would oppose this level of presence - it’s a danger to her.
As you can see, this is an area I am definitely wrestling with - how to be IN this world, but not OF it (or is it the other way 'round?).
I wrestle with Eggo all the time. I often wish that she would be painted in bright, neon colors so I could ALWAYS identify her. Yet, as I write this, I am thinking what I REALLY want is to get ridiculously good at identifying when my highest self, my superconscious is present with me, guiding me. I want HER in bright, neon colors so I never miss her guidance!
I’d love to hear if these are topics you wrestle with, too. If you’ve wrestled and found answers, I’d love to hear those, too! Suffice it to say, I no longer feel that background pressure right now. I can feel my pillow once more and gratefully, I will let sleep take me, again.