Something Lurking

As I write today, I am tired. Something is lurking in my exhaustion. This writing has a life of its own and has taken center stage in my attention and energy. 

And, I love it even if it tires me. 

The hardest part of self-awareness and then self-mastery is focus, at least for me. 

I find that I’m great at a singular focus for a defined and sustained period of time — a 7-day juice fast. A 30-day writing challenge. Spring cleaning. 

But, as soon as the novelty wears off, I’m pooped and lose steam. Momentum dies and with it, my desire to see it through or adopt it as permanent (or even semi-permanent) wanes. 

The other frustration I have is that this sustained focus does not leave room for the previous focused changes - I can either eat healthily (with all its veggie prepping, cooking, and meal planning) or I can be physically active (with its extra laundry, sweating and showering more, and actual time to exercise) — not both. 

I can either focus on my spiritual practices or my business practices. 

Either my discipline or my flow. 

As my attention has been consumed with this writing challenge, most of my other practices have receded into the background - physical health habits, household chores habits, and many of my spiritual habits have all received significantly less focus and that harms me, overall. 

I do not think I’m alone in this frustration as I hear it from clients, often. I am personally and professionally, always seeking how to balance my competing priorities and help others do the same. 

I have tried time management as a strategy - meh. 

I have tried identity work as a strategy – much better, but still very slow. 

There’s something hiding — something important for me — right behind my awareness. 

I can feel it and not see it. 

This ‘something’ is about identity, but more – it’s about presence, and intention, and creation. 

I was raised in convention – whether I took to it or not, whether I could conform to the ‘box’ or felt the need to smash it to bits, I have been oriented on the ‘box’ of social norms, conventional thinking, and education. 

I have spent YEARS untangling and rewiring myself within this construct – within the communal agreements of humanity. To what end? 

I am ridiculously, relentlessly self-aware. I am sensitive to Energy and the subtle ways it communicates,  and I hear people’s truths - I can hear and feel when we are ‘clean’ on a subject - it doesn’t matter what we believe, either, it’s being clean in the belief – without shadows of pain or trauma, outside of our psychology and without projecting anything. 

Yet, I remain stumped by the existential question of WHY. 

I go back to the healthy habits around food and exercise: WHY does it matter to me? 

I want to feel strong. I like feeling that I’m honoring this physical vessel my consciousness is inhabiting. I enjoy it. A healthy body ticks a LOT of boxes for me. 

And yet somehow, those why’s don’t always translate to consistency. Something equally important can steal the focus and attention resources and I lose track of the momentum I built – a few pounds creep in, I walk or get out in nature a little less, I choose easy and quick food so I can get back to this new endeavor. I backslide.

This brings me back to discipline, organization, strategy, and all the other conventional ways of thinking and being. I start ‘shoulding’ on myself. 

That does not work for me, either. 

There is something hiding, lurking just outside of my awareness, a major piece in this puzzle for me. 

It’s clearly unconventional – and maybe even saying unconventional keeps me oriented on the ‘box’? 

This ‘something’ feels so important, so radical, that it might just shift my entire paradigm… and it’s frustratingly in the periphery. 

As modern humans, we love quick results. Google can answer any querry within a fraction of a second and we can spend 15 minutes exploring those results and have a basis to be able to converse about it. We, humans, love efficiencies and shortcuts. 

I am aware that this ‘something lurking’ could be a squirrel (a diversionary tactic to avoid hard work). I have chased thousands of squirrels down thousands of rabbit holes. 

I am quite familiar with this pattern and have also practiced its opposite – discipline, routine, rigid structure, and delayed gratification as I do the hard work, facing it head-on.

Both provide results. Both move the needle forward. Both have pros and cons. 

I have even tried mixing and combining them; structure and flow, masculine and feminine, analytical and creative – this certainly is more fun and keeps my interest far longer, but that ‘something’ is still missing. 

My suspicions about this ‘something’ are crazy-making. 

It’s much too simple for my mind to embrace or even allow, really. 

I have followed the teachings of Abraham-Hicks for over 15 years and have yet to fully commit to following my emotional guidance. To focus on feeling good as THE WAY. 

Maybe it’s all the years hanging out in the dark with my dark thoughts. Maybe it’s my high need for approval and acceptance from others. Maybe it’s that I take myself seriously and being foolish or odd is high stakes for me. 

Maybe it’s simply that I identify with my mind. My intellect. My brain’s love of connecting really tough concepts to practical applications. Maybe the simplicity of following my bliss is far too radical for me. 

I feel and hear my truths in all of that AND, if I’m sitting in my soul… my present awareness… 

…   …   …   …   …

Feeling good is the only real dream or goal any of us have, isn’t it? 

Everything we work for, work towards, strive or sacrifice for is for a good feeling – to achieve happiness, worthiness, connection, or to contribute. We want to feel good. 

Not the drug or alcohol-induced good. Not the over-indulgence, self-denial, or unbalanced good. 

We want to feel good in both an indulgence and a denial. Good in an attachment and a detachment. I want to feel good in my exercise and my rest. My veggies and my marshmallows (yes, it’s a thing). 

Maybe this ‘something lurking’ is this; to live in my authenticity. To live from a place of presence and joy, without judgment or expectations. 

The spiritual gurus and teachers all remove themselves from conventional life, by choice or circumstance, and that is not my choice. I have always been fiercely determined to find my enlightenment, my self-actualization WITHIN my life. WITHIN my relationships and community. WITHIN the messiness of humanity. 

I have no answers, clearly. Every question I answer leads to more questions. The more I learn, the less I know... as it were. 

There is no conclusion to my thoughts today. No tidy bow to wrap around my insights. This open-ended-ness is hard for my brain. It wants answers. It craves more information and analysis. 
My soul is wonderfully and weirdly satisfied with this expansion without form and maybe this is the best indicator of all that I am oriented toward that ‘something lurking’ that calls to me.

OR… am I still chasing squirrels?